Musician Joke of the Week

Haiku is a Japanese verse form of three unrhymed lines. The first line has 5 syllables, the second line has 7 syllables, and the third line has 5 syllables.

These haiku verses were forwarded to me by bassist John Hoesly:

Squeaking and squawking
All eyes roll to the heavens
The clarinet speaks

One beat to change from
Harmon to cup to bucket
Hey, who wrote this shit?

The jam session starts
Somebody calls "Giant Steps"
Cold fear grips my brain

Here's the girl singer
Stepping to the microphone
Pitch, Time, all gone now

Gig is going well
Someone requests "In the Mood"
I look at my watch

Three-eight, eleven-eight
Damn you Andrew Lloyd Webber
Five-eight, seven-eight

The woodwind doubler
Practicing the piccolo
Frustration defined

Pit orchestra gig
Days and nights become as one
I have no damn life

Bad intonation
Strings are sharp and reeds are flat
Brass too loud again

An oxymoron:
"He plays the accordion
With delicacy"

Bassoons forever
Try in vain not to sound like
A farting bedpost

The strings slowly tune
When they're done the unison
Are anything but

"I can't find my note"
Bemoans the confused singer
"Quit now", we all pray

That plate of hors d'oeuvres
Cost more than we're getting paid
Think we underbid?

Question: Why did Bach father 20 children?
Answer: His organ didn't have any stops...

Question: Why did Beethoven kill his pet chicken?
Answer: It kept saying "Bach Bach Bach".....

Question: What is the difference between a dead trombonist lying in the road and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
Answer: The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig...

Question: What do you call an army of lesbian rock and roll singers?
Answer: "Militia Etheridge"

Question: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
Answer: "Year-at-a-glance"

This story is dedicated to all musicians who have played in wedding bands

And so it came to pass, during one date, that the Sidemen were assailed by Doubts, and Darkness descended upon the Bandstand. And the Leader turned to his quaking flock, and saith, "My children, why do you doubt me? "Have I not led you through the Valley of the Loading Dock to the Great Land of Long Breaks, Hot Meals, and Undertime? "Have I not banished the dreaded 'Macarena' from the Set List, and allowed thee to Blow on selected numbers? "Do we not play the Correct Changes for the Bridge of 'Girl From Ipanema', and do we not play Motown selections at the Proper Tempos? "And do I not pay you all equitably, neither overpaying the Chick Singers nor underpaying the Horn Players? "And are there not Charts for the Horns, so that thou need not Fake Parts?

"So why doth thou protest when I call The Willie Nelson Song, or The Jackson 5 Ballad? Are they not preferable to 'Achey Breaky Heart' or anything by Celine Dion? "Wouldst thou rather suffer Flung Beverage Containers or Scowls and Hectoring by the Aunts and Uncles?" And the Sidemen answered him, "But Father, we look out into the Dance Floor, and we see The Maelstrom; "We fear the Youngsters with Pierced Body Parts, as well as the Ancient Ones with Canes and Walkers; "Also do we fear the Bridesmaids with the Large Hair, and the Groomsmen with Cigars and Dishevelled Tuxedos; "Also do we fear the Relatives from the Great Southwest, as well as those from California, and from New York; "Also do we regard with Fear and Loathing the Party Planner, and the Room Captain; "But mostly do we fear the Bride, and Her Mother, who ruleth the Earth, yea, even above you, our Leader."

And the Leader looked and saw that this was true. And he took his Book, and he flung it into the Buffet Heaters; And he took his Bandstand, and he broke it over his knee; And he took his Red Bow Tie, and he rent it asunder; And he turned to the Party Planner, and he said, "Now you have no power over me, Minion of Evil"; And he turned to the Room Captain, and he said, "I will leave by the Lobby Entrance"; And he turned to the Bride, and said, "Take thy Whitney Houston CD and place it where thy Groom may find it during your Honeymoon;"

And he turned to the Bride's Mother and said, "Thy Daughter is a Spoiled Brat, and I hope that she soon Divorces her Callow Husband and returneth to live with thee with her three children for the rest of thy Natural Life;" And he turned to the drummer and said, "The band is yours." And he went home and slept deeply and soundly, and arose the next day smiling, And began Making Calls to find work as a Sideman.

A bandleader catches his bass player and guitarist having a huge fistfight backstage. He breaks it up, and says "What the heck are you guys fighting about?" The bass player says, "He detuned one of my strings!"

"So what's the big deal with that?", asks the bandleader.

The bassist responds, "We're on in 10 minutes and he won't tell me which string it was!"

A female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?"

Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"

She exclaims, "That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"

Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

Question: How does a jazz musician make one million dollars?
Answer: Start out with two million.

A group of eco-tourists took a small plane out into the deepest, darkest part of the jungle. As soon as they stepped off the plane, they heard the faint yet forboding sounds of drums off in the distance.

One of the tourists asked the tour guide "what do those drums mean? It sounds kind of scary."

The tour guide let out a big laugh and said "Don't worry, mon. As long as de drums keep playing, every-ting will be fine."

The next day, as the group was camping out in the jungle, the drums were growing louder and more intense. Now several members of the tour group were getting really scared and worried. They asked the tour guide again about the drums. "Like I said yesterday, der is nuttin' to be afraid of, mon. As long as de drums keep playing, every-ting will be just fine".

This went on for several more days, and the drums just kept going and going, getting more and more frenzied.

About the fifth day, suddenly the drums stopped. Everyone in the tour group was horrified. "Oh my God" they said, "what should we do? Does this mean we are in immediate danger?"

The tour guide had a dark look of fear written all over his face. He took a deep breath and said "This is very, very, very bad. I tell you before, as long as de drums keep playing, every-ting is fine. Now they have stopped. This is de terrible omen for all of s".

The tourists said "why, why....please, tell us why, sir."

The tour guide said "when de drums stop it is very, very bad because..... NEXT COMES BASS SOLO!"

Question: What will you probably never say about a banjo player?
Answer: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."
(except maybe Bela Fleck)

Question: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Answer: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Question: How do you reduce wind drag on a trombonist's car?
Answer: Remove the Domino's Pizza delivery sign from the roof.

Question: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
Answer: "The Defendant"

Question: What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend?
Answer: Homeless!

Question: What is the loudest pet?
Answer: A trumpet!

Question: What is the difference between yogurt and New Jersey?
Answer: Yogurt has culture.

A 55 year old musician who's spent his whole life trying to break into the big time is feeling very depressed. He's been turned down by every single record company in the country, and no one seems to recognize his unique genius other than his cat. So he dreams up an ingenious plan to get his revenge on all the institutions who've rejected him all his life.

He goes into a recording studio and instructs the sound engineer to record exactly what he says, copy it onto 1000 CDs, and send them out to all the record executives in the country. He goes into the vocal booth, puts on the headphones, motions to the sound engineer that he is ready, and begins;

"This is a message to all you sycophantic, talentless bastards who've ignored me all these years. I have dedicated my life to writing beautiful, emotive, soul-touching music, and all you wankers do is throw away my tapes and sign dumb bands like the Spice Girls. Well, I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's YOU who've driven me to it! I hope you feel guilty for the rest of your pitiful lives! Bye-bye, murderers of Art!!"

With that, he pulled out a gun and sprayed his brains all over the studio wall.

The sound engineer glanced up and said "...yep, ..okay - that's fine for level. Wanna go for a take?"